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1.5.2021
I woke up at 5:00 this morning. No one woke me. It wasn’t because I had to go to the bathroom or heard a noise. It wasn’t even because of a cancer treatment-induced hot flash. I think I woke up because I wasn’t tired.
I’ve been waiting for this day for years. Back in 2018-19 before I knew I had cancer again, I sometimes wondered if I’d ever wake up refreshed. I tried to remember when it was that I didn’t feel tired and I didn’t know.
Any time you may have seen me since then I was probably smiling but also, I was deeply tired. I likely said I felt good but didn’t confess that I was also tired because I didn’t really know. Where is the line between “cancer-tired” and “I’m a mom” tired? How do I differentiate between regular “I need to rest at the end of the day” and “cancer may be eating me alive” rest? Which tears are for “I had a (normal) hard day” and which are “I’m exhausted to tears because of cancer”?
Anyway, I’ve been waiting for this day for years. I woke up because I wasn’t tired. I was just energized and happy. I didn’t drag myself out of bed, I was excited to get out of bed. I was excited to start my day and then to live the whole day. All the parts, all the average happenings were extra shiny today. Everything was great because I felt great.
Even if I subtract cancer from the equation, every day is not like this one. I’ve played this game before. I bet you have, too. I want to keep this bliss-train rolling, but I know every day will not be like this. Still, I find myself hoping for more of these days.
More bliss. More joy. More laughter. More ease.
More.
Please?