Changed
11.24.2021
There is a small hill in our neighborhood. It is so small that you could easily walk through our ‘hood and not know it was there. Where we approach, it has a one-block incline and one-block decline. It’s not much to think of, if you’re healthy.
Back around the time of my heart surgery our neighborhood hill took on a bit of significance. When I couldn’t breathe well enough to walk safely on my own, Paul went with me. I couldn’t go far or as fast as I wanted. Just a block and a half from home, we were often greeted with the hill. Turn left to walk the easy street, a gentle decline. Turn right to go up the hill. Watching through the eyes of love and seeing the state I was in, Paul would have likely chosen the easier path for us. Not me. No. I chose the hill almost every time. Even when I was breathless, I started climbing.
After radiation, things for me went downhill fast. I did not feel well. Lumps pushed out of my neck. My back ached. My body was heavy with pain and exhaustion. Maybe I was just recovering from radiation? No. My cancer was misbehaving.
Despite the pain, deep disappointment, and, let’s be real - fear - I set my mind on positivity. I told myself that I am healthy. I took myself for walks. As I went along, I spoke aloud, “I am perfectly healthy.” I did not feel healthy. It was hard to walk. It was hard to get through every day. It was hard to be without a break from thoughts of cancer, pain, and my harsh reality. Still, I kept on. I lied to myself. Walking, “I feel better every day.” Thinking, “I feel better every day.” Saying, “I feel better every day.” Praying, “Thank you, God, I feel better every day.”
I had a checkup at the cancer center a few weeks ago. I shouldn’t have been surprised by what I heard because my body never lies. I knew how I had been feeling. Still, it was a surprise when the word “perfect” floated through the room. I was overjoyed when I heard the word “remission.” REMISSION! Of course, it’s not definite -these things never are - but it sure looks and feels like remission.
Now, I really do feel better every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited for each day. When I exercise, I smile because it feels so good to move. When I interact with my family I laugh, because everything is more delightful when I feel well. When I go to sleep at night, I am grateful. Life is so good.
I went for a walk today. I wanted to savor the scent of fall and let my hair blow wild in the autumn wind. I walked South. When I got to the bottom of the hill I paused. I turned right but I didn’t walk up the hill. I bounced, I jogged, I ran. It was fun! I grinned. Things have changed.