Well Again
5.15.2020
For the last year I’ve been reading about the brain and how beliefs affect our biology. I put what I learned to the test, too. Before I knew there was cancer in the sac around my heart I was super tired. I woke up exhausted in the morning and went to bed completely spent at night. In an effort to out-think my own body I wrote a few paragraphs to convince myself. I started with, “I always have plenty of energy,” and went on to detail the positive, wonderful way I wanted to experience life. I read it to myself before getting out of bed each morning. I recited as much as I could from memory throughout the day. I read it over and over again just before sleeping at night. Amazingly, it started to work. I had more energy and the daily rhythms of my life became gentler and more joyful.
I decided to take the same approach with chemotherapy. It had to be simpler, though. I kept to a single line. I started saying to myself, “It gets easier every time.” To be honest, I didn’t really believe myself but I had to do something. A chemotherapy fact has been haunting me since March: it’s cumulative. Blech! Last week I realized I’d been planning my life around the cumulative effects of chemo. I pushed myself to get the garden planted. It’s cumulative, I’d say to myself. I better get this done now. I planned how to get the children’s lessons done as early as possible. Who knows what kind of a mess I’ll be by early June? That kind of thinking couldn’t be helpful!
So, here I am after infusion #3. According to my old way of thinking I should be a miserable mess. While I am sometimes a mess I’m not entirely miserable. In fact, I’m more and more convinced that my beliefs become my biology with every passing minute. According to the pain pattern of my previous infusions today should have been my worst day. However, it was better than all the previous “worst days.” Instead of sleeping the entire day away, I only spent two hours in bed. That is significant improvement and surely a reason to believe I will be well again.