Here to Stay
5.28.2024
It’s been a while. My peonies are blooming, seeds are sprouting like crazy and weeds are growing the fastest of all! The lushness of spring is here and I believe we can be certain it’s here to stay!
I’ve been struggling. It doesn’t make a lot of sense when all things point to good news. My balance has continued to improve so much that my wheelchair and walker no longer ride in the car at the ready. They’re stored in the garage. My cane still sits by the back door but it doesn’t get any action. I’m walking on my own again! I can only walk short distances but it is a huge improvement that points to healing. If the cancer was having a big party in my brain I wouldn’t regain such balance. In addition, I’m a bit less tired (at least on non-chemo weeks) and I’m gardening. Gardening is not as easy as I’d like it to be but I’m doing it. Not long ago it would have been impossible.
All of it is good and yet deep, crushing sadness and a little panic settle in on my heart daily. It would have made sense to feel this way when I first learned of the great cancer expansion in October. It would have made sense to feel this way in winter when I could barely balance to get through the house and cried with each step up the stairs at night. It all would have made sense then. Somehow my improvement has made space for feelings, and I’m having them! I find myself very much wanting to be in good company so I’m spending a lot of time with those that love me most. It is special time and fun on the days I’m not crying so much. I’m taking deep breaths and asking for lots of hugs. I’m blessed that my kids and Paul are willing to comply with my requests. Bless them.
Much like I don’t believe the cancer is going to kill me, (if I give in to that thinking I’ll surely die quickly) I don’t believe these feelings will stay. I think it is a phase that will pass but it’s surely not passing fast enough for my taste! I have always been naturally positive and happy. I miss that feeling because it feels like me. I miss waking up happy with no worries. I miss the strong feelings of joy when I look at the beautiful world around me and my beautiful life. I miss the blissful certainty that like spring, I’m here to stay.