Devastatingly Beautiful
10.30.2023
Nearly two weeks ago, my oncologist walked into the room with what he described as devastating news. I could tell he was upset. He admitted he’d lost sleep over it the previous night. I'd had a PET scan and a brain MRI the day before. Normally, I read the reports and study them before he comes in. Something was different this time, I just didn't want to. I guess it's a good thing I didn't.
Devastating news. Devastating news. Devastating news. I kept hearing him say it. The PET scan didn't show much that surprised us, at least nothing we didn't already know about. There's still cancer around the lining of my lungs and lining of my heart but it's not particularly worse. Some of my bone cancer has gotten worse but not expanded greatly. There's also cancer in the lining of my abdomen, but we knew that. Goodness! So much cancer and this part wasn't even concerning! The big news was that there's cancer in the fluid around my brain and spine - “A sugar coating,” he said. A person with this diagnosis has an average life expectancy 4 to 6 months. I can get a year if things go really well. Yikes. Devastating news, indeed.
How am I doing? As well as can be expected, if not better, I guess. Sometimes I feel balanced and stable. Other times, when I'm tired or not sure what to do with myself, I feel utterly crushed by the weight of it. To be perfectly honest, I was feeling this way before I even knew I had this terrible cancer diagnosis. A lot has happened in the last month or six weeks that has been hard for my body. I really haven't felt like myself and have had to adapt in ways I never had to adapt before. Still, I am here somewhere. I find myself rising up again and again. I take inspiration from amazing people like my grandma Steffen. She used to say to me, "There's always, always something to be grateful for," and of course she was right. There is always something to be grateful for. That's one of the reasons this blog is so important for me. I hope you'll continue to read along with me as I write and share it with friends or anyone you think might enjoy it. Writing in this place helps me find myself, it helps me be more positive in a real way, a way that works for me. It helps me find the silver linings that keep me going. Oftentimes you are the silver lining that keeps me going.
This is devastating. It is crushing, but it is more than that. My new perspective brings agony but it also brings joy. There is nothing like deep sadness to help me see what I already have in front of me and what I have is a beautiful life. I have a life so beautiful, so full of love, so wonderful that I don't want to leave it. Devastating news, yes, but only because I have such a devastatingly beautiful life. Could anyone ask for more?